When you’ve spent so much of your life supporting & defending all the good you’ve experienced in Scientology and you finally become aware of the people the leaders have harmed, there’s a heartbreak that occurs which, in the case of too many Ex-Scientologists, is not survivable.
You trusted these leaders to uphold the ideals that you sincerely believed Scientology stood for, and upon which you genuinely lived your life. To find out who these people really were makes you cynical & vengeful & very very sad.
Add to this the humiliation you feel for having believed these leaders, and the heartbreak can permeate your whole existence, changing everything you think & feel. Your act of rebellion in originally joining Scientology, in seeing its goodness & its humanity & in helping defend these things against the milquetoast middle class, threatened to change you into a chump – something they always wanted you to be.
So you forgot about who you were when you were a Scientologist & you covered all that over with the blackest of paint. With your broken heart, you vowed to ‘expose’ the abuses you’ve heard about, but never actually saw.
You forget that you never did such things in Scientology, and you never would.
You punish yourself for being ‘naive’. Your self-destruction is cheered on by those whose meanness & cynicism would have been detestable to you. You become cynical & mean too because you’ve convinced yourself that’s what you always should have been, and it was your mistake not to be.
You trust the milquetoast middle class now, with its jingoistic support for brutal wars, its herding and treatment of human beings like cattle & its lemming-like progression off a cliff of simple-minded groupthink.
At least you don’t have to tell people you’re a Scientologist anymore. You can be normal, kind of like one of them now.
What never-ins don’t understand is when they’re looking at an Ex-Scientologist, they’re looking at someone who’s been so heartbroken, so betrayed by the leadership they trusted, that no amount of sympathy, praise, or compassion from a never-in will heal them.
Never-ins can never understand.
What a heartbroken Ex does not understand is that they were never naive. They were never the way their leaders, both then & now, thought of them.
If you were a Scientologist, then you were courageous & inflammably positive & good. And real. You cared about others even above yourself.
You believed in ideals that regularly burned away the corrosion of human fallibility. You repeatedly purified yourself with these ideals, and infused others with their curative hope.
You were never the person that the leaders of Scientology turned out to be.
The antidote for your heartbreak is embracing that.